Overcoming the Challenges of Self-Mothering and Solo Parenting with Julia Karol

Motherhood, according to many women, is one of the most beautiful aspects of life. And although it brings immense joy and fulfillment to mothers, it also comes with challenges and sacrifices along the way.

One of these challenges is solo parenting of a mother as they would bear all the responsibilities of both parents, which can be incredibly demanding, exhausting and overwhelming. They are burdened with the responsibility of making important decisions alone and dealing with the emotional well-being of both themselves and their children.

It’s not easy balancing all these responsibilities and often, single mothers tend to neglect themselves as they’re too focused on their kids. That’s why it's crucial for us to acknowledge the substantial challenges and effects of self-mothering and solo parenting. And for this episode with Julia Karol, we’ll talk about her journey in mothering.

Julia’s journey in mothering and rewriting the mother code.

For the past 15 years of Julia’s professional life, she leaned into her male energy as she was in such a male-dominated space wherein they invested in companies typically working in engineering, manufacturing, and finance. And so, it has been amazing for her, shifting from that and then stepping into a more feminine space and talking about motherhood and womanhood.

As regards rewriting the mother code, Julia considers the code as something ubiquitous as they restrict the things we should do or how we should lead our life. That’s why there’s a need for us to use the framework of alternative families and rewrite the mother code.

Statistics show that a great percentage of children in the US are raised in single parent households. The reasons for this can vary. It may be due to death, divorce, solo parenting by choice, or becoming a solo parent for many other reasons.

It’s also important to take note that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Many women nowadays choose to live a life without kids for various reasons but that doesn’t make them any less of a mother.

In our previous episodes, we’ve mentioned that mothering is possible even without having kids in your life. Equally important to take note of is the fact that gay marriage is on the rise and many countries have legalized it.

Reframing a relationship that felt catastrophic.

Life after a breakup is undoubtedly catastrophic for some and the same happened to Julia but she considered it as a gift as she realized that the relationship was never meant to be. She was merely holding on to it because she was happy and she thought that that’s her endgame.

She had anxious thoughts as she thought about fertility rates and other issues she might encounter considering her age and the possibilities of the future. That’s normal and totally understandable. There’s nothing to be ashamed of for having those thoughts.

However, for Julia, she felt shameful and broken by the end of the relationship so much so that she described herself like an empty shell of herself as she was going through her healing journey.

The problem with a lot of our cultural norms is that at the back of our brains, we’re being told to get off the floor and stop crying. It’s like there’s no room for vulnerability. But we have to know that sometimes, breakdowns are where the openings are.

It is when you’re at your worst where you suddenly question everything. That’s when all the magic happens. These times of self-reflection and uncertainty frequently act as catalysts for development and discovery. For Julia, it is where she reclaimed her sense of self-worth and self-identity that she didn’t even know was missing.

How do you describe your feelings around new motherhood?

Julia is a new mom and that's been her identity for the past 21 months. Describing her feelings around new motherhood, she expressed how she feels more herself than she has ever felt before.

Many women claim that motherhood brings you a sense of fulfillment and the same goes for Julia. She felt more fulfilled and joyful being a new mom as motherhood is a journey of personal growth and discovery. Things feel different but then again, different is good.

Julia recalled having a hard time showing up and supporting her friends having kids while being a godparent. She kept wondering when her time would come being a parent to her own kid. It was tough for her watching other people’s happy nuclear families.

And so now that she’s a mom, Julia emphasized two things. In her head, she somehow feels lost like she has so subsumed into the mothering role that she doesn’t know if she has lost her old self or if ever she’ll come back. It's so important to give yourself permission to be where you are now.

What she noticed was that most of us tend to not celebrate a lot when in fact, there are many things we should be thankful for and celebrate. Often, we just celebrate traditional events like weddings, engagements, and birthdays. However, we’re not trained to celebrate the simple things and even each other.

What’s your vision for yourself as a mom?

Julia held a vision for what she wants her family to look like and what she wanted from my child but she never really thought about what her vision for herself is as a mom.

In parenting family dynamics, she deems it unnecessary having a nuclear family for her. It’s important for her to get comfortable with that and the choice to become a solo parent. Even before her pregnancy journey, she already thought of how she would parent a child. She also thought of options like adoption, fostering biologically, and even explored step parenting.

The importance of being comfortable with your intuition.

It’s important to be comfortable with your own intuition. An instance wherein Julia followed her intuition was when she felt that the recommendations of people around her concerning her child’s sleep training weren’t working well.

After doing some research about it, she followed her intuition choosing a preschool. She recalled having around 30 interviews with people for that matter. And the more she talked to people, the more she lost her intuition about what she wanted because it's really hard to maintain intuition as a new mom.

You can listen to Julia’s podcasts and check out Stork’d through her website (https://www.storkdpodcast.com/) if you’re interested in hearing more about her journey in figuring out single parenthood.

What does Rewriting the Mother Code mean for you?

Julia expressed that she had never thought about the mother code in terms of self-mothering when in fact, that’s what she did – she nurtured herself. And that’s important in figuring out what you truly want and exploring more of what’s in store for us.

Making sure that she achieves the things that she wants is the best thing for Julia. It’s amazing how someone sets her mind to her goals and makes those goals a reality.

Motherhood brings a new perspective to many things as it is a continuous journey of learning and so, Julia tries to spend her time figuring out how self-mothering works while being a mother to her own child.